‘Tis the anxiety rich, emotionally loaded holiday season, and a good time to look at some of the true feelings and experiences of the holidays from an adult perspective. We get so caught up trying to see through our children’s eyes, and making sure it’s a pretty picture, we can forget that we have our own viewpoint, and an influential one at that.
From the visiting relative whose parenting and housekeeping advice induces a tick in the eye, to the financial burden of making all of those Santa dreams come true, the Christmas season brings as much stress as calories. Many articles have been written on unplugging from the rat race, and even those of us who try to focus on the reason for the season, to lower expectations and manage the inner Martha Stewart, it can be a real challenge to endure the season without at least one proper meltdown.
Our kids are no different. The rates of anxiety our kids experience today is skyrocketing. Adolescents and teens are presenting with unprecedented rates of depression. These realities put us parents in a tricky position. We have enough knowledge of causation, and many of our own ideas on correlation, that it becomes tricky to grasp the situation in a productive way. So, as we gear up for this holy season, we can actually give our kids a great opportunity to learn to combat many of the factors contributing to the increasing rates of anxiety. In reviewing some of the reasons for escalating angst in our young folks, we can take comfort and feel supported through the impending season of stress.
Contributing factor #1: Happiness is all the rage.
Our kids are living with some unrealistic ideas about happiness. Specifically, that it is
reasonable to expect it as a perpetual state of being. When normal feelings such as
anger, sadness, and disappointment rear their heads, kids are drawing the conclusion
that there is something wrong with them. So, as you prepare your rack of lamb and your
mint sauce browns too quickly (do you brown mint sauce?), allow your kid to see you weep with disappointment. It’s okay, necessary even, to react to events with sadness and anger. And then, you recover. This is the way we model resilience, and the way they learn to build it for themselves.
Contributing factor #2: Parents getting caught up in the Rat Race
For many of us, it seems we are more of personal assistants to our kids than parents. Scheduling, confirming, shuttling and supporting--all for the athletics and enrichment activities that we believe help our kids grow into well rounded, interesting, competent adults. But, in all this effort, we are making ourselves crazy and demonstrating a total lack of self care. This holiday season, when you feel yourself balancing on the tightrope trying to keep it all afloat, consider dropping the ball. What if you took a break? Sat on the couch? Stared into space? Or turned on your favorite holiday movie? When you set the example of taking time for yourself, you are telling your kids that a healthy emotional balance is more important than any tutoring or extra curricular activity. Checking out for a bit and taking time for yourself could be the greatest gift you give your kids this season.
Contributing factor #3: Kids aren’t being given enough free time to play
This one is great news. The Christmas break can be long and hectic when the kids are out of school and staring at you while you are trying to deck the halls, mull the wine and trim the tree. Talk about anxiety inducing - kids who are bored! The great news here is that being bored and finding their own antidotes actually builds emotional skills that can combat future mental health issues. Kids who survive boredom come to recognize it as a normal feeling. And, that it will pass. They even sometimes develop the skills to move through it quickly. This translates into an understanding that they can survive the tough stuff and be their own solution. Very empowering! So, instead of planning and hustling and creating the perfect holiday break for your kids, take comfort in the old fashioned parenting practice of letting them fend for themselves.
This parenting game is a tricky one and the holidays bring up so many emotions at all levels. Joy and love walk hand in hand with anxiety and fatigue, while depression and stress tag along for the ride. Every time your heart sings this Christmas season, share it with those you love. And, likewise, when it hurts. Sharing your experience with your kids can be very liberating as it builds resiliency, creates a realistic environment, and honors the humanity in all of us.